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Beauty Inspiration & Motivation

I love myself, I hate myself ~Memoir

30th Jun 2018

“You are imperfect, permanently and inevitably flawed. And you are beautiful.”
― Amy Bloom

Guest Blogger ~  Tiangay Samandia

‘I love myself. I hate myself. I love myself. I hate myself…’

A Short Memoir.

These thoughts run through my mind every time I weigh myself and for last six years of my life, I’ve done so every morning.

I find writing this is hard. It’s unsettling and I feel vulnerable; naked.

Most people that have interacted with me would probably describe me as a confident and outspoken person.

But this is not entirely true, as, beneath all the layers of my exterior,  I don’t always genuinely feel this way. In fact,  most days I can’t even stand to look at my own reflection in the mirror.

I would say the most significant period of my weight loss was between 2015-2017. In 2015, I lost 40 lbs in two months. Yes, in only two months!

And I’m not just talking water weight. I lost over 70% of my body weight.

Nothing fit me anymore. Tops began to feel too loose, and jeans did not hold me right.

The full story behind the 40 lbs weight loss is for another piece. However what I will say, is it honestly involved many mornings of basically telling myself: ‘You’re too fat to eat’, so on some days I just went without.

Don’t judge me. I am a millennial woman. I have been assimilated to believe my self-confidence and inner being comes solely and is determined by my outer appearance.

Society is obsessed with beauty and the body. The media consistently bombards us with a false image of perfection whilst simultaneously perpetuating, this false reality as being something we should all strive to achieve, but how can you achieve something that is not real?

There is clearly no wonder, as the contributory factor towards the steady rise in eating disorders such as anorexia and bulimia in young women in the UK.  There is great pressure placed on women, even from a young age to fit a false illusion and aspire to look like this, which is extremely detrimental to self-image and health.  The number of admissions to hospital of female patients with potentially life-threatening eating disorders has almost doubled over the past six years*. The admissions for those aged under 19 for anorexia went from 1,050 to 2,025 over the period examined**.

As 2015 drew to a close, my negative sense of self-image grew ever worse.

Two years in, two holidays and a relationship, I am now 50 pounds up and I am not talking Elizabeth pounds either!

As the weight went up, my self-esteem went down. I, unfortunately, don’t have a deep philosophical analogy to give you. I cannot offer you a self-help guide to weight loss or confidence, as I’m still trying to work out the answers for myself.

However, this is me bearing it all or least making the first steps towards opening up about my experiences, so that you can hopefully gain something from my journey.

I am Tiangay, and I weigh myself every morning.


“You are worth more than a waistline. You are no less valuable at a size 16 than a size 4. You are no less valuable as a 32 A than a 32 C.” Mary Lambert

By Tiangay Samandia

Edited By Onyeka Michelle

Twitter: @ADL_xo 

Instagram: @tiangaysamandia

-If you have an inspirational post around the topic of lifestyle and self-development you would like to share/ contribute towards the blog, feel free to get in contact with me, would love to hear your proposal!  

*/** = Statistics: www.theguardian.com/society/2018/feb/12/eating-disorders-nhs-reports-surge-in-hospital-admissions



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    • Reply OnyekaMichelle 29th Oct 2018 at 9:30 am

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